Guide and Discipline Children with Love and Respect

 

Guide and Discipline

 

            The topic of how we discipline children is one that is very near to my heart and something that I wanted to touch on. It is no secret that when parents can get very frustrated with their children at times, there comes a point where unjust discipline comes into play. What I mean by unjust discipline is that some parents will resort to hitting their children to send a message or will verbally abuse them by calling them names or belittling them. Some parents are under the impression that it is okay to hit a child, in the way of a spank, to send a message and others feel that it is completely inappropriate to hit a child in any circumstance. I am going to be sharing my thoughts on this today and hopefully you will feel a better sense of why I am against hitting the child or talking down to them to make a point.

            One of my favorite stories from this semester in school talked of a mother that wanted to discipline her four or five-year-old son for doing something particularly bad. She didn’t believe in spanking or hitting children for that matter, but what her son did finally upset her enough to push her over the edge. The mom asked her son to get something similar to that of a switch for her to hit him with to teach him a lesson. When the boy came back, he instead came back with a stone because he could not find what she had asked. With tears in his eyes he expressed that he could not find a switch and handed her the rock to hit him with instead. This broke the mother’s heart. She realized that her son knew she was going to hurt him regardless, so the reading stated the child’s point of view, “if my mother wants to hurt me, then it makes no difference what she does it with; she might as well do it with a stone.” The mother could see the fear in her son’s eyes and remembered that fear and physical violence should never be the answer to teaching a child a lesson.

            Have you ever taught your child a lesson by spanking them? I know that I have. I’ll tell you what I gained from it. My children thought that if they saw one of their siblings doing something wrong that it was okay to hit them, because they had known me to do the same. Even though my spanks were not in any way violent, my children didn’t view it that way. When they went to teach their siblings a lesson, they did not hold back like I did. Instead they got aggressive towards one another. In Psychology Today, Denise Cummins Ph.D. explained, “When a parent tries to get children to behave better by hitting them, that parent is telling them that hitting people who are smaller and weaker than you is an acceptable way of getting what you want from them.” I have seen this truth firsthand, and when I asked my child why they did it, it was because they said that I have done it.

       

      I love the scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 121:41-46. It really helps us to understand how we should be disciplining our children with love instead. Sometimes we have to be stern with our children, which is completely fine. But the scriptures teach us in Doctrine and Covenants 121:43 that we should be, “Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost, and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him who thou hast reproved, let he esteem thee to be his enemy.” This powerful scripture teaches us that when we correct our children, especially in a stern way, we should always show them an excess amount of love so that they know we are coming from a good place. The consequence of not showing forth an excess of love is that the child could view you as an enemy or not feel safe around you. Fear can motivate someone to act, but it will never be a way to earn their respect or trust in you. Children need to be nourished in a warm and loving environment in order to reach their full potential and know right from wrong. Remember when you are disciplining your child and guiding them, especially in their early years to do it with love and respect. This is where your lessons will take the most effect on the child in a positive and meaningful way.

 

Lisbet Nilson. "Pippi Power: An Interview with Astrid Lingren." Parenting. October 1992. p. 132.

“This Is What Happens When You Hit Your Kids.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 19 Sept. 2014, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/good-thinking/201409/is-what-happens-when-you-hit-your-kids.

“Doctrine and Covenants 121.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/121.41-46?lang=eng.

 

 

Motivating our Children to do Good

 

Motivating Our Children

 

            This is a blog for all you parents out there that would like to take a deeper look into motivating children and how we can be more effective at it. Right now, I have three children. Each of them handles instructions completely differently, even though two of them are three and are twins. Carter, my older son, is mostly motivated when he feels there is some kind of reward involved. The reward could be something as simple as an object I promised him or maybe have a punishment lifted early. He isn’t exactly self-motivated to follow instructions because he is only eight years old. Paige tends to listen when there is some kind of snack involved, or if you promise to spend time with her and Elaina just wants to be shown love through things such as hugs or snuggles. Every child is unique and should be motivated to their own personal needs, however there is one key factor to all forms of motivation, which will sound cheesy. The number one factor to motivating a child is to love them. According to Exploring YourMind, “Love, as a source of motivation and energy, transforms us into a better version of ourselves.” If you think about your younger years, when are the times that you felt the most inspired and motivated by your parents to do what they ask? Was it when they screamed it at you? Was it when they forced you to do something? For me, I was most willing to obey and follow my parents counsel when I felt their genuine love for me. Every child requires this minimum factor in order to be motivated by a parent.

       One quote from my reading in class this semester really made a lot of sense to me. It said, “When someone tells us what to do and demands compliance, it often results in rebellion to gain control, Children are not an exemption to this experience.” It goes on to say that when we see our children’s reactions to those demands, the reaction will most likely depend on the relationship between the child and the parent. There are so many times I have gotten very frustrated with my daughter Paige because the harder I press her to do something, the stronger her response comes out, “No.” On the flip side to that, Paige is a much better and motivated listener when I treat her with love and respect. Instead of feeling that I am taking away her choice, she chooses my way more often when I express an abundance of love. It isn’t always 100% of the time that my children choose to follow my words when I lead with love, but it is tremendously higher than the alternative of me trying to force a child to do what I want.

         Something that I felt was quite hilarious to think about really is a question that was posed in our class this semester regarding bribes. The question was “Although we understand that bribes only “buy temporary compliance,” why are parents so quick to use them if they don’t truly work in the long run?” My initial thought to this was that because it works of course... When my kids are crying for 30 minutes straight at a time and I need it to end, a bribe quickly motivates the behavior to change. This is obviously not the best way to look at it, because it gives the child a sense that they are going to be rewarded for poor behavior. Dr. Steven Dennis shared a really cool thought about how rewards don’t always have to be like bribes. He shared, “It's important to understand that all rewards are not alike-and all rewards are not bribes. The nature, timing, and size of rewards can make a big difference.” If you think about it, there are rewards you can offer a child, such as teaching them the reward is that they will feel good if they do a good deed. Then, there are rewards such as offering the child a toy or some kind of object that if done too often takes away from golden opportunities to teach your child natural rewards for doing good. I never thought about really delving into the natural rewards of being motivated to obey your parents and choose to be motivated to follow their counsel. Natural rewards include good feelings, feeling the spirit, and typically the counsel from the parent has some kind of reward behind it as well.

Ultimately, what I am trying to get at folks is that we have an opportunity to motivate our children in a positive and inspiring way. Let’s do everything that we can do jumpstart their motivation to do good by loving them and helping them understand that by having a positive motivation for doing good, they will naturally see greater joy in their lives.

 

 

“Love as a Source of Motivation and Energy.” Exploring Your Mind, 4 June 2018, exploringyourmind.com/love-as-a-source-of-motivation/.

“What’s the Problem with Bribes?” Dr. Steve Dennis – College Dean of Education & Human Development of BYU-Idaho. file:///C:/Users/Joshua%20D/Downloads/faml120_document_whatsTheProblemWithBribes%20(1).pdf

Parents - Take Care of Yourself

 

Take Care of Yourself

 

                This semester in college, I had the opportunity to take a parenting class that has been absolutely fantastic. I have learned many different things from the class, including taking care of myself, which I will talk about more later, nurturing the child, motivating them and so much more. Some things that you would think are common sense are actually not. One of the most important things that I learned in this course is that I cannot possibly take care of my children if I do not learn to first take care of myself. Elder Marion G. Romney said, “Teaching cannot come from the unlearned. And most of all, spiritual guidance cannot come from spiritually weak.” I found this quote fascinating because sometimes I get into conversations with other adults about how they raise their kids and how I raise mine and find myself asking, am I or they doing it right? The answer isn’t necessarily that there is a set solid answer, but more closely related to whether we are taking the time to take care of ourselves and learn proper practices to deal with our children.

                                                              

  

                One of the things that really sticks out to me is that if we,  as adults, don’t take the time to learn and deepen our own understanding of principals that we want to teach our kids, then we will have a very difficult time teaching it clearly to them, especially at a younger age. If you aren’t very well versed in a topic of importance to teach your child, then teaching it clear enough for them to understand will become a difficult task and may not even stick in their mind. If a parent wants to teach their child patience, love, respect, or really any other concept of value, those things need to be important and well established in them as well. Think about trying to teach your child patience, and yet you severely lack it yourself. How do you think that lesson would go? If you are trying to teach your child a lesson of hard work, and you aren’t a hard worker yourself then it would likely just annoy them instead of help. That is exactly why parents need to look to themselves first and make sure that they are in check. The Center For Parent & Teen Communication said, “Parents often put their children’s needs before their own, but doing so continuously and without fail does children a disservice…Perhaps above all, we create powerful teachable moments when we expose our children to positive stress management techniques like self-care.”

                Speaking from experience, I have had moments in my life where I let stress rule my life and it completely bleeds over and destroys my effectiveness to teach as a parent. For instance, when I was trying to teach my son not to be so impatient with his little sisters, his response was, “but what about you?” This hurt me a little inside because I knew he had a very valid point. I had let stress overtake me and it was showing that many things my children were doing were irritating me a lot. Below you will find a link to a video titled Parent Self-Care: Taking Time to Recharge. This video is fantastic because it talks about how parents need to be, “Taking care of yourself as kindly as you take care of others.” By nurturing your mental state, you will naturally be a more patient and loving parent to your children. There is no greater motivator than love when teaching a child. A quote from Elder Dallin H. Oaks that I found very powerful goes, “A good teacher, like the Good Shephard we serve, concentrates entirely on the needs of the sheep—those being taught.” We cannot possibly focus on others in this way if we have struggles or needs of our own that are clouding our vision.

                I am so grateful for the opportunity that I had this semester to learn about taking time to take care of myself. My current life situation is that I have a fourth child on the way in November. It is only going to be more hectic and time consuming to take care of all of my children and to make sure they are all taught the proper lessons they need for their maturity level. Not only do I intend to make time for myself, even if it gets more hectic, but I also plan to be me conscious of my specific needs and take care of them. This is what will allow me to be a more successful and uplifting parent.

 

 

Romney, Marion G. “The Celestial Nature of Self-Reliance.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/1982/10/the-celestial-nature-of-self-reliance?lang=eng.

“Taking Care of Yourself Plays a Critical Role in Effective Parenting.” Center for Parent and Teen Communication, 3 Apr. 2020, parentandteen.com/taking-care-of-yourself-a-gift-to-your-teens/.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EszLfK8lI-g&t=319s

“Teaching with Love.” The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, www.churchofjesuschrist.org/church/news/church-leaders-address-seminary-and-institute-teachers-through-annual-broadcast/teaching-with-love?lang=eng.